Published in The Neapolitan Online

Going home for the holidays? Odds are, you think your family’s crazy, but you might be wondering how they compare to other families. Are they crazier? Sane by comparison? Non-existent? Take this quiz to prepare yourself for the holidays and find out in advance if you family is Functional, Dysfunctional or Fictional.

When traveling for the holidays, does your family…
A. Get to the airport an hour and a half ahead of your flight time.
B. Oversleep, miss your flight and, while waiting for the next one, argue loudly about whose fault it was while in line at the airport Cinnabon.
C. All go to France and leave the son at home.

When putting up Christmas lights on your house, your father…
A. Wakes up early the day after Thanksgiving and has them done by noon.
B. Doesn’t listen to your mother, waits until you get home to help, and then, while arguing with you about your pathetic career choice on the roof, kicks down the ladder telling you that if you were a real man you’d manage to get down.
C. Plug in the lights so that electricity flows through him and you briefly see his skeleton and then he walks away with Einstein hair.

On the eve of your kid’s school Christmas concert, your family’s showing in the school auditorium includes…
A. You and your spouse, your other children and your children’s grandparents on both sides.
B. Three empty reserved seats in the front row.
C. You and your immediate family, your brother who’s the Prime Minister of England, his new girlfriend who is also his secretary, and her entire extended family.

Do your presents…
A. Stay wrapped under the tree until Christmas morning?
B. Show up in a brown paper bag just before Christmas dinner?
C. Come to life and perform a riveting ballet?

During the Thanksgiving Macy’s Day Parade, your mother… 
A. Gathers the family together to watch it on TV with fresh cups of cocoa.
B. Sleeps late until football’s on.
C. Hires a jolly, old, white-bearded man to play Santa in the parade, only to later find out that he’s actually Santa, and has touched all your lives for the better.

After a truly terrible day of work in late December, your dad…
A. Puts on a happy face, dons a Santa outfit and makes everyone’s night at the office Christmas party.
B. Gets hammered at the local dive bar and is found in the morning sleeping in the gutter.
C. Heads to the bridge over a freezing river to commit suicide and is stopped by an angel.

When the December holidays come around, your working mother…
A. Takes a few extra days off to spend time with family, cook Christmas dinner and make delectable desserts from scratch.
B. Makes out with her boss at the office Christmas party, scans their asses and emails the images to everyone on the office client list.
C. Is pleasantly surprised when your father arrives just as her office building has been taken hostage by terrorists, and he, a cop, must save them all.

On Christmas Eve, your uncle…
A. Magically pulls a quarter out of your ear.
B. Magically pounds a quart of bourbon and pukes under the Christmas tree.
C. Is visited by three magical spirits who convince him to end his miserly ways.

All As – Your family is functional! Enjoy singing Christmas carols and opening presents under the tree.
Mostly As and Bs – Your family is semi-functional. With a few glasses of wine, you might actually enjoy the holidays.
Mostly Bs – Your family is dysfunctional. Consider not heading home for the holidays this year and hunkering down with a good book instead.
Mostly Cs – Your family is unreal. Pick up the phone and call your local shrink… or screenwriter. 

PHOTO CREDIT:
Clifton Mill Christmas 2005″. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons – http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Clifton_Mill_Christmas_2005.JPG#mediaviewer/File:Clifton_Mill_Christmas_2005.JPG