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“Oh, really, you weren’t masturbating? What were you doing?”

“I was letting the genie out of my penis.”

“I was scouring Playboy for typos. It felt really good to not find any.”

“I was seeing if I could use my penis as a straw to drink pie. I can’t.”

“I thought that birthmark was dirt. And could not get it off.”

“I was practicing ghost noises. For when I’m dead.”

“The bed was thirsty… so I watered it.”

“I was letting my electric toothbrush rehearse in private.”

“I was testing the remote control batteries. They worked. But they’re dead now.”

“I was reevaluating my ceiling décor. It takes a good twenty minutes to really see stucco.”

“I was checking my vagina for babies. You never know.”